The Mission First time author Jennifer Bawden-a fashion designer
whose clothes have appeared on such celebrities as Celine Dion, Mariah
Carey and Ivana Trump-pens the most recent contribution to the perennial
series of man-hunting manuals. Marketed as a sort of anti-Rules manifesto,
Get A Life, Then Get A Man: A Single Woman's Guide (Plume) encourages women
to define themselves as "unique" individuals, while urging them to be more
candid and dynamic in their pursuit of men.
Bawden proposes that women draw up a list of goals, such as "take
scuba lessons," "run a marathon," "learn Spanish"-thus, rendering themselves
both lively and engaging, whilst cleverly creating copious new opportunities
to meet men. After "transforming" yourself into a fascinating, multifaceted
creature, you're ready to market yourself with the assistance of her plentiful
dating tips.
Insisting that even the most banal opening line will do ("Wow,
it's hot in here!" "Where did you get those great boots?" "We're
settling a bet; what's your opinion of…?"), Bawden's assumption is that,
if you handle yourself in a seemly fashion, men will be pleased-flattered
even-to make your acquaintance. She discourages women from too quickly
inquiring what men do for a living, which can be perceived as materialistic,
or accepting drinks from men who they're not interested in, as this obliges
one to invest at least 15 minutes of conversation. (That makes a
woman's social rate about $20 an hour at $6/drink. Suddenly, shooters
seem like a great idea.) Bawden also counsels against complaining,
whining, gossiping, cynicism, smoking in proximity to non-smokers or dressing
in an overtly sexual manner. All of which have me marveling that
I've ever convinced anyone to date me- a smoking, scandal-mongering cynic
in four-inch stilettos who finds asking people what they do "during the
day" a convenient conversational starting point.
The Girls I select four women to volunteer their flirting
services in exchange for free cocktails at chic downtown Toronto bars.
As my deadline precludes the possibility of having complete rigorous 10-week
self-improvement plans that would enable them to arrive outfitted with
certificates from Le Courdon Bleu and black belts in karate, I chose women
ranging in age from 28-31 who are naturally confident and interesting:
Paola is a divorced, single woman in public relations who is attracted
to confident, kind men with good manners. She professes a marked
aversion to "insecure men and non-smoking control freaks."
Lorraine, the owner of a successful dog-grooming business, describes
herself as "religiously single" and is fond of men with strong personalities
and high sex-drives.
Cristy-Jane is a bartender who depicts her past relationships as "passionate
and volatile." She names intelligence, a sense of humor and empathy
as desirable qualities in a man.
Eloisa is an actor who claims a history of dating "charming psychopaths"
and an affection for witty, romantic, nonpossessive men with "an edge"
who "don't mistake kindness for weakness."
The Hunt
Our first destination is Canoe Restaurant & Bar, a smart, downtown
boite known for its lively after-work bar scene and the strong likelihood
that the men who spend time here are apt to be over 25 and gainfully employed.
Cristy-Jane, who arrives wearing a simple sleeveless black dress and sandals,
says that she is inclined to feel more reticent around men she is attracted
to. Although she applauds women who confidently launch into conversation,
she doesn't, as a rule, exercise such an enthusiastic tactic herself.
Lorraine, likewise, prefers a more "come hither" attitude to approaching
men. In sharp contrast, Paola and Eloisa, both quintessentially outgoing,
have no difficulty with the idea of being proactive-an affinity quickly
realized as Paola waves over a group of gentlemen standing at the bar,
while |
Eloisa
straightens her pale-blue pencil skirt, strolls over to a pair of men sitting
near the window and proceeds to comment on the sweeping 54th-floor view.
Before long, Cristy-Jane is receiving cocktails from Paola's fleet of new
friends, both women happily putting in their obligatory 15 minutes of conversation.
Eloisa's opening remarks about the boats dotting the harbour lead to a
discussion about sailing. Paola, in lieu of making career-related
inquiries, brings up such neutral topics as travel, restaurants, and film.
Cristy-Jane finds that, as most people enjoy talking about themselves,
asking men simple questions about themselves, such as where they live,
leads to more interesting topics.
When quizzed
on their feelings about women taking the lead socially, one gainfully employed
guy, Richard, informs us that there is still some stigma about seeming
"easy" and worse, that when a woman comes up to a man, "you know you're
in." Apparently, Richard has confused coming up to a man with coming
on to a man. On the contrary, his friend Fraser declares female assertiveness
"a great idea" that should be "fully encouraged," remarking that, as long
as the woman "isn't drunk, hanging off you or insinuating that you take
her home immediately," he would have no reason to speculate about her character.
Ultimately, even Richard admits it has a lot to do with the subtlety of
the woman's advance. The discrepancey of their perspectives, however,
represents the, er, broad range of opinion regarding women who employ a
bolder style and, in Richard's case, indicative of the antiquated sensibility
that restrains many women from actively creating their romantic futures.
Favourably, of the
gentlemen encountered at the next stop on our tour-the bustling outdoor
patio at Jump Cafe & Bar-all respond eagerly to our breezy attempts
at fraternization, where, by the way we discover how fruitful it can be
to eavesdrop on conversations nearby. Lorraine abandons her com-hither
attitude and introduces herself to a handsome, well-built gentleman she
overhears saying is a trainer. After telling him she is a long-distance
runner, they have a lengthy conversation about training, during which she
give him her phone number. (He called her a week later and they are now
dating.) Manwhile, Eloisa spots a long male, waylays him with a simple
"Hello, my name is Eloisa," followed by the rudimentary "Come here often?"
This random encounter evolves into a 20-minute conversation before she
returns witha grin and his business card. Most auspiciously, when
questioned about their preferences, each man states that "a confident woman
is a turn-on," that "it all comes down to individual personality," that
"men who are threatened are insecure" and, most tellingly, that a woman
approaching a man "happens so rarely, it's extreamely flattering." Most
surprisingly is that, of our admittedly limited control group, men 30 and
older appear to have a more relaxed outlook to assertive women, while those
in their 20s are more likely to adhere to conventional notions of demure
femininity. It seems that the mature men, perhaps as a result of a wider
range of romantic experience, are more open-minded and egalitarian - their
chief concern being who a woman is, rather than how they meet her.
The Afterglow
At
11, having exhausted both my expense account and my lovely assistant's,
we quit our duties and head off to meet friends at a downtown nightclub,
happy to enjoy our cocktails while not compelled to enterprisingly mingle
in the name of proactive flirtation. Eloise, however, missed punch-out
and is still hurtling herself through a series of fresh suitors by, well,
walking right up and introducing herself. By midnight, she is juggling
three beaus, having her photo taken for Ocean Drive's next social
pages and, evidently, selling out the next five performances of a lay that
she's in (the sptly named Perfect Stragers). Eloisa ingratiates
herself to so many enthusiastic gentlmen that, when it comes time to leave,
she is forced to slink out the back door. Which is perhaps slightly more
pandemonium than even Ms. Bawden had in mind, yet, nevertheless, confirms
the theory that, with a little aplomb and vivacity, a girl can vastly expand
her social horizons - or, at the very least, get her photo in the gossip
column. |
GOLD
DIGGER
Calgary-born
Jennifer Bawden, author of Get A Life, Then Get A Man: A Single Girl's
Guide (Plume), shoots straight from the lip on how to chap up the hombres
"If you sit and wait,
you are never going to meet Prince Charming, because it's the shotgun players
out there hitting on every girl, waiting for one to say 'yes,' who are
going to hit on you."
"If finding a guy
is like finding a needle in a haystack, then go to the needle factory.
Men outnumber the women by 5-1 on every ski slope. There are also
incredible guys in the financial districts at six o'clock on Thursday nights.
Thursday's a big night out; you're going to find hundreds of guys finishing
their week, very happy for some great female company."
"Stand at the edge.
Look and decide who you want to meet and only have eye contact with a guy
who you've decided is your type. Meeting him, you close the deal;
you get his card, then you're out there, meeting new guys."
"You do not want
to move quickly through the room. If you move quickly, you've walked
through the room in three seconds. Don't miss the stuff in the corners,
because the nice guys-the guys who aren't on the make, the guys who are
just out for drinks with their friends-they're often sitting in the corners."
"Women need to spend
a lot more time watching others rather than just bumping into anybody-just
because you’ve bumped into them and they start talking to you [doesn’t
mean] that’s who you [should] focus on and date.”
“If you’re walking
through a crowed bar and you’re getting pushed and shoved, watch for the
flow. You don’t want to go against the flow. Wait for everyone to pass,
then join the end.”
“There’s a fine line
between throwing yourself at a man and chasing him like a hungry animal,
and just being a fun, interesting person.”
“There’s no entrance.
There is no ‘Look, here I am.’ You don’t want to wear a dress that’s too
low, you don’t’ want to be showing too much cleavage. You don’t want to
look like a bimbo.”
“When they want to
meet women, men go out as a group of commandos. When a man meets a girl
he likes, his wingman steps up and immediately talks to her friends to
help his buddy spend time with the girl. The grenade guy is the guy who’s
willing to sacrifice himself to talk to the girl he’s not interested in
so the wingman and the head gunner can go in on the prey.”
“My girlfriends and
I have what we call the ‘safety pin.’ My friend comes up and asks, ‘Do
you have a safety pin?’ If I say, ‘no,’ that means I’m fine. If ‘yes,’
then I need to get out of this conversation right now.”
“Exit strategies.
It’s important to remember that the guy might be happy to get out of the
conversation. In business, you should put your hand out and say, ‘Hey,
Stan, it was really nice to meet you.’ You want to be straightforward,
you want to be confident and you want to say goodbye.”
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