Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Dateless on V-day?
This story's for you!
Yes, it's that time again. Come Monday morning, flower delivery
guys will parade those prickly little suckers to the pathetically unsurprised
cubicle next to yours.
An overly eager young co-worker will flaunt her French manicure
and babble on about the hypothetical engagement ring that will accessorize
it tomorrow.
And the office secretary, an old woman who's been married since
Cupid's arrows were considered weapons of war, will decorate the office
windows with pink hearts, red roses and other vulgar Valentine's vomit.
If you picture any of these scenes when you think about Valentine's
Day, chances are you're among the 33 million single people in the world.
And chances are, you're dateless on "the most romantic day of the year."
The "single" dilemma
For some singles, like Temple resident Sandra Havins, being dateless
is no big deal.
"Valentine's Day, right now, at this point in my life, is just
another day," she says as she shoots pool at Crickets Bar and Grill with
a married friend. "I'm just out to have fun."
Robby Miller, a 19-year-old premed student at Baylor, says Valentine's
Day would be an unneeded addition to his schedule and subtraction from
his wallet.
"I'm not entirely too worried," he says. "It doesn't bother
me because dating somebody isn't a priority for me."
In fact, an informal survey by American Greetings (yes, the mushy
card makers), says that many single people will use Valentine's Day to
pamper themselves or to relish their friendships.
But that sounds like baloney to other people.
Melissa Langford, a 34-year-old Waco resident, isn't looking
forward to spending Valentine's Day alone.
"I'm so lonely," she says. "I would love to meet somebody
on Valentine's Day, but if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't."
What are the dateless to do? Call an ex? Write a
sad country song? Go to bed early and hope Cupid's arrows find a
trajectory to their hearts next year?
Hardly. |
A
new attitude
How about
firing the chubby cherub and shooting some arrows of your own?
That's the
advice of New York fashion designer-turned-dating-expert Jennifer Bawden.
"There's no
reason ever to be alone on Valentine's Day, once you learn to take control
of your dating destiny," she says.
Bawden's first
book, Get a Life, then Get a Man, is a newcomer to the bookstore shelves
and sits in the relationships section - one already filled with more guides
than a tourist bureau and more playbooks than a coach's office.
What makes
hers different? She calls it a "guide for dating in the new millennium."
And listen
up, fellas, because Bawden's putting women in control.
With advice
like writing a date criteria list ("You wouldn't go to the grocery store
famished, would you?") and exercising your God-given brain cells ("Don't
lost your IQ because he's gorgeous or great in bed,"), Bawden's book is
intended to wake women up to the fact that developing their own lives will
make them more attractive to men.
"Men run away
from needy, clingy women," she says. "The last thing a man wants
is a woman who is gum on his shoe. Men want to see women who have
goals, dreams and accomplishments."
Remember Melissa
Langford, who was going to be lonely on Valentine's Day? That's not
for lack of a fulfilling life.
Valentine's
Day used to be her favorite day of the year. In fact, she got married
on the day. Now divorced for three years, this mother of two is concentrating
on other areas of life. She's a full-time culinary arts student at
Texas State Technical College with aspirations of being a restaurant manager
and health inspector.
If she's lonely,
it's because she hasn't found someone with the same interests and values,
she says. Not because she needs someone to take care of her.
"(Women) need
to learn that we rely on things that aren't there - fantasies. And
we get disappointed in the end," Langford says. "How can we rely
on a man if we can't rely on ourselves? The reality is we have to
take care of ourselves first. If we fall, we don't need a man to
pick us up."
That's exactly
Bawden's attitude.
"It's not
only OK to develop your talents, it's what life is all about," Bawden says.
"When anyone is out reaching their passion in life, they’re going to be
that much more fun to be around and much more dynamic than someone who
lets their goals fall to the wayside."
What do men
think of this take-control attitude?
Miller, the
Baylor student, says he is turned off by women who want a man to depend
on. At Baylor, he says, there are rumors of a certain finance class
that omwn take to pick a husband.
"Ever heard
of an 'MRS degree?'" he jokes.
Another of
Bawden's modern dating tips: Women should hunt for men like men hunt for
women.
This is contrary
to many women's ideas, including the authors of another dating book, The
Rules, which characterizes men as the hunters and women as the hunted.
Well, it’s
time to break the rules, Bawden says.
"There is some sort
of deep cultural shame that is associated with a woman approaching a man,"
she says. "Where did it come from? Our grandmothers?
It's absolutely crazy, and it's time for the shame to be dissolved."
Langford says
she loves to ask men out. |
"I
don't think we should feel ashamed at all," she says. "I think it
should be a woman's choice, too. If you like him, talk to him.
If you get cut down, you get cut down."
But Havins,
a health-care professional at Scott and White Hospital in Temple, says
asking men out can be scary if you don't know them. However, that
doesn't mean she won't approach them, she says.
Hunting in Waco
Bawden admits
being in New York helps her meet lots of men. In general, she says,
as long as you know where the singles are in town or hang out in places
that interest you, you'll meet other interesting single people.
But let's
face it. Waco's no Big Apple.
In fact, when
it comes to labeling the dating scene here, some local singles classify
it as "a wasteland," "a bore" and "a parking lot because all the good ones
are taken."
The hot spots?
Graham Central Station, Cricket's and Baylor classrooms.
Delores Ward has
one more idea. As an officer of the Waco chapter of the Texas Association
of Single Adults, she organizes group outings for singles. The group
of mostly 35- to 50-year-olds has dances once a week and has activities
for those who like to stay away from bar scenes. Everyone in the
group is widowed, divorced, or never married. But not everyone in
the group is looking for a potential mate.
"I can see where
it's hard to meet people (in Waco) unless you meet somebody at a church
or at a bar," she says. "These people are not bar-type people, they
just come most of the time for fellowship and the social part of it."
But occasionally,
couples do emerge. Ward, herself a 64-year-old widow, met the man
she calls "definitely my boyfriend" at a singles association dance eight
years ago. It took a few phone calls on his part, but she finally
went out with him again.
He has since moved
from Gatesville to Waco, but they don't plan to get married.
Dating is different
for older singles who have already experienced a lifetime of love, she
says.
"If you've had a
great love in life and have lost it for whatever reason, you hope in some
way you can get it again someday," she says. "But I think probably
even the younger people (in the singles association) have a feeling of
been there, done that, now I'm in this stage of my life and everything's
OK."
Until you get to
that point though, Bawden says to approach dating in 2000 with an entrepreneurial
spirit.
"Be more proactive,"
she says. "Make a commitment that next year you won't be alone on
Valentine's Day."
Who knows, maybe
you'll even need the manicure next year.
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